Dearest Roxanne,
I haven't allowed myself to mourn you because that would mean admitting that you're gone. My grief is so strong that if I had to feel the full impact of your death I don't think I could breathe. I already feel the tears welling up and a pit in my stomach as I write this. If I were as strong as you then maybe my sadness wouldn't be as crippling. You always found a reason to laugh even through the toughest of times. I strive to be like you, maybe one day I'll figure out how.
It's just difficult to be grateful for the times we've shared when I feel cheated out of the times we could've had. I feel like a child screaming and crying that it isn't fair, but really it doesn't seem fair. You were only 56, you had so much more life to live. Don't get me wrong, you lived fully and made the best of every situation but 56 is such a young age. Everything seemed to happen so quickly it's scary.
In spite of everything, I am forever grateful that you didn't suffer. Knowing that you weren't in pain and were unafraid is one of the only things that has kept me from falling apart completely. Overall I am handling things better but it's not easy. So many things remind me of you, many times I find something that you would love and want to share it with you but then I remember that you're gone. Maybe one day they will bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes.
Although it was cut short, I am glad that you were a part of my life. I have nothing but fond memories from the first time Brandon brought me home to meet you until the very end. The positivity and strength you had are inspiring. I can see a difference in the way I handle tough situations because of you. I will hold you close to my heart and remember you always.
With love,
Mandy
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