Goodbyes are never easy.

Dearest Roxanne,

I haven't allowed myself to mourn you because that would mean admitting that you're gone. My grief is so strong that if I had to feel the full impact of your death I don't think I could breathe. I already feel the tears welling up and a pit in my stomach as I write this. If I were as strong as you then maybe my sadness wouldn't be as crippling. You always found a reason to laugh even through the toughest of times. I strive to be like you, maybe one day I'll figure out how. 

It's just difficult to be grateful for the times we've shared when I feel cheated out of the times we could've had. I feel like a child screaming and crying that it isn't fair, but really it doesn't seem fair. You were only 56, you had so much more life to live. Don't get me wrong, you lived fully and made the best of every situation but 56 is such a young age. Everything seemed to happen so quickly it's scary.

In spite of everything, I am forever grateful that you didn't suffer. Knowing that you weren't in pain and were unafraid is one of the only things that has kept me from falling apart completely. Overall I am handling things better but it's not easy. So many things remind me of you, many times I find something that you would love and want to share it with you but then I remember that you're gone. Maybe one day they will bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes. 

Although it was cut short, I am glad that you were a part of my life. I have nothing but fond memories from the first time Brandon brought me home to meet you until the very end. The positivity and strength you had are inspiring. I can see a difference in the way I handle tough situations because of you. I will hold you close to my heart and remember you always. 

With love, 

Mandy

Thirty One

It seems like so long ago since I was a teenager but I don't feel my age. It's strange but I've always felt this way. In third grade I remember seeing the fourth grade class and thinking how much older they looked. I just couldn't wait until fourth grade so I could be big like them but when it came I didn't feel any different. I'm sure looking at pictures now I may be able to see a difference but I didn't see it then. Still, after all these years I get the same feeling. There are times when I still don't feel grown up. Maybe I just don't know what being grown up is supposed to feel like.

I have no reason not to feel grown up. I moved out of my parents house at 19 and I've always held a full time job. I'm married and a homeowner. My only guess is that I don't care for things that most other adults do. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I don't like sports and I don't have any interest in being a parent. I also prefer to be around my husband more than any one else in the world and don't feel the need for a "girl's night". In fact those two words are almost guaranteed to make me decline an invitation.

My lack of interest in the things that society has led me to believe adults are to do has left me feeling alone, especially in my family. I already feel alone being an only child in a large family. Add in the fact that most of my family are huge sports enthusiasts and at this age it's hard to find friends that aren't starting families.

I wouldn't change anything though. As cheesy as it sounds I married my best friend. I know that's an overused statement but that doesn't make it less true. We would rather be together than apart, even if we're doing different things in the same room. That's not to say that we're around each other constantly of course. We just have enough in common that one of us isn't miserable if the other wants to do something. For example, you always see on TV sitcoms where the husband likes sports but the woman wants to do something like go to a ballet. It's always a sacrifice for the guy to do what the woman wants. Well that isn't us, we have mostly the same interests.

I suppose the source of my problem may be the way marriages and adulthood are portrayed on TV and in movies. I am not a typical adult and I don't have a typical marriage. So maybe being a grown up is overrated. I'll stick to going to movies and concerts, roller skating, playing drums, playing video games, painting and snuggling with my husband and cats!