Time is strange as an adult. As I look back it seems hard to believe that it's been almost four years since my mother-in-law died, it just doesn't feel like she's been gone that long. Then I reflect on events from just last year and they seem like more than a year has passed since then.
Someone in a podcast that I listen to said that time seems like it passes differently for adults because there are less momentous events, we measure time by big life changes or events that occur in our lives which don't occur as regularly as they did when we were young. I suppose with so many major changes happening in a short amount of time it can make things feel unbalanced and odd.
Perhaps I should backtrack a bit...
I am an only child and my parents had me when they were very young, because of this they seem more like older siblings than parents. My husband and I have been together since we were 18 and his mom was the first parental figure in my life, I loved her dearly and her death in 2013 left me very broken. It wasn't until last year that I started putting the pieces together to figure out what was really going on. I knew that I felt cheated because I only had her in my life for 11 years and I knew that I felt guilty about my grief but what I didn't know was that my depression was not new. I thought that her death caused my depression when in fact it amplified it. This was an extremely hard pill for me to swallow. When I first admitted this to myself, my husband and my friends I couldn't say it without tears. If asked to describe myself in 100 words "depressed" would have never made the list because I didn't understand truly what it meant to be depressed. Like many others, I assumed that depression meant sad and until Roxanne passed away I didn't feel sad. Looking back now I realize that I have struggled with depression my entire life.
Once I was able to talk about my depression without crying I realized that I wanted to manage things on my own without Doctors or medication. (I have never had thoughts of suicide or self harm, if I did I would seek professional help.) The first thing I started was writing in a journal any time I was upset which really helped give me time to focus on issues and sort them out. After a few months I realized that a major contribution to my depression was my work environment. I knew that I was unhappy and wanted out but I felt stuck, like I had no options. Then I found out that I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome which is likely the cause of my depression. Although the Doctor that delivered the news was not that helpful, the useful information I found through my own research. He did, however, do a great job of scaring me. He told me that because of my weight I could develop a growth on my uterus that would become cancerous. This made me realize that I needed to make changes which wouldn't be easy, my hormone imbalance caused my weight gain to begin with and make it harder for me to lose. (This explained so much!) So after 11 years at a soul sucking, miserable job for a major corporation that only cares about its share holders not its employees or customers... I quit.
I took a chance for my mental and physical health and I left for a lesser paying job. I went from working in an office to working in a warehouse. It has only been a month but my depression has dropped from severe to mild and I've lost almost 10 pounds. The job still kicks my ass almost every day but I work the same schedule as my husband so for the first time he is the person I see the most of each week and I realize that the minor financial difference is not worth my health. I'd like to think that Roxanne would be proud of me but honestly the tough woman that she was would probably think it was irresponsible to leave my safety net. This will give me more time to work on things that I love doing though and she was always supportive of my creativity. So yes, I guess she would have been proud.
