Goodbyes are never easy.

Dearest Roxanne,

I haven't allowed myself to mourn you because that would mean admitting that you're gone. My grief is so strong that if I had to feel the full impact of your death I don't think I could breathe. I already feel the tears welling up and a pit in my stomach as I write this. If I were as strong as you then maybe my sadness wouldn't be as crippling. You always found a reason to laugh even through the toughest of times. I strive to be like you, maybe one day I'll figure out how. 

It's just difficult to be grateful for the times we've shared when I feel cheated out of the times we could've had. I feel like a child screaming and crying that it isn't fair, but really it doesn't seem fair. You were only 56, you had so much more life to live. Don't get me wrong, you lived fully and made the best of every situation but 56 is such a young age. Everything seemed to happen so quickly it's scary.

In spite of everything, I am forever grateful that you didn't suffer. Knowing that you weren't in pain and were unafraid is one of the only things that has kept me from falling apart completely. Overall I am handling things better but it's not easy. So many things remind me of you, many times I find something that you would love and want to share it with you but then I remember that you're gone. Maybe one day they will bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes. 

Although it was cut short, I am glad that you were a part of my life. I have nothing but fond memories from the first time Brandon brought me home to meet you until the very end. The positivity and strength you had are inspiring. I can see a difference in the way I handle tough situations because of you. I will hold you close to my heart and remember you always. 

With love, 

Mandy

Thirty One

It seems like so long ago since I was a teenager but I don't feel my age. It's strange but I've always felt this way. In third grade I remember seeing the fourth grade class and thinking how much older they looked. I just couldn't wait until fourth grade so I could be big like them but when it came I didn't feel any different. I'm sure looking at pictures now I may be able to see a difference but I didn't see it then. Still, after all these years I get the same feeling. There are times when I still don't feel grown up. Maybe I just don't know what being grown up is supposed to feel like.

I have no reason not to feel grown up. I moved out of my parents house at 19 and I've always held a full time job. I'm married and a homeowner. My only guess is that I don't care for things that most other adults do. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I don't like sports and I don't have any interest in being a parent. I also prefer to be around my husband more than any one else in the world and don't feel the need for a "girl's night". In fact those two words are almost guaranteed to make me decline an invitation.

My lack of interest in the things that society has led me to believe adults are to do has left me feeling alone, especially in my family. I already feel alone being an only child in a large family. Add in the fact that most of my family are huge sports enthusiasts and at this age it's hard to find friends that aren't starting families.

I wouldn't change anything though. As cheesy as it sounds I married my best friend. I know that's an overused statement but that doesn't make it less true. We would rather be together than apart, even if we're doing different things in the same room. That's not to say that we're around each other constantly of course. We just have enough in common that one of us isn't miserable if the other wants to do something. For example, you always see on TV sitcoms where the husband likes sports but the woman wants to do something like go to a ballet. It's always a sacrifice for the guy to do what the woman wants. Well that isn't us, we have mostly the same interests.

I suppose the source of my problem may be the way marriages and adulthood are portrayed on TV and in movies. I am not a typical adult and I don't have a typical marriage. So maybe being a grown up is overrated. I'll stick to going to movies and concerts, roller skating, playing drums, playing video games, painting and snuggling with my husband and cats!

Embarrassed by my fellow Americans.

It's only February and it has already been an incredibly hateful year. More and more I am embarrassed to be an American. This country only stands for freedom if you are straight, white and don't have a foreign accent.

From the unnecessary outrage of the Coca Cola commercial that was sung in multiple languages to Kansas trying to segregate homosexuals, it's no damn wonder we are hated! I am tired of under educated ignorant fucks and their need to bring everyone around them down. Yes, English may be the national language currently but it was brought here through immigration. This is supposed to be a place of opportunity where we come together to embrace freedom. Instead it's a game of finders keepers and everyone else stay the fuck out.

There is nothing wrong with people that are a different color, speak a different language or are attracted to the same sex. They didn't choose any of these things! With how much grief they take for being who they are do you honestly think they would've chosen this for themselves? No one wants to be harassed for things out of their control. Grow up and mind your own business! Just because you are unhappy in your life doesn't mean you need to bring down others.

Vomit Free in 2014

I usually don't set New Year's resolutions so I don't know the rules. Specifically, whether or not there is a deadline. I would think that because it's still January and I haven't already broken it that I would be okay. If so my resolution is to go all year vomit free.

In my adult life there have only been three occasions where I threw up against my will. Usually it's an option that I don't choose. Two of the times I was forced to throw up were because of food poisoning. The third time was the day after having my gallbladder removed. Stupid me took pain medication on an empty stomach and then took a shower. I spent the day dizzy and fighting the urge to vomit, sadly in the end I lost.

I absolutely hate the feeling of being nauseous. I shudder thinking about that watery feeling you get when it's that time. I despise the act of throwing up and how it always feels like I didn't chew my food up very well. But most of all, I loathe how dirty and weak I feel after it's over. I feel pretty confident that it probably isn't anyone's favorite activity but I know that some people don't mind it. For example, my husband swears that he could tear a phone book in half afterwards. However, despite many requests this has yet to be proven.

So my goal for 2014 is to not throw up. I don't drink so that makes it a little easier. I no longer listen to my husband when he tells me just to do it because it will make me feel better. And I have also learned not to take medicine on an empty stomach. So here's hoping I don't get food poisoning!

Grief is a strange and unpredictable monster.

It's been just over two weeks since my mother-in-law passed away and I find myself all mixed up. When I'm home I feel fine and it bothers me. I am torn between feeling bad that I'm not sad and being thankful that I'm handling it okay. But the moment I step out the door I feel lost, empty, sad and vulnerable. I want a hug but at the same time I just want to be left alone.