Unintentional New Year's Resolution

This past summer I went to the gynecologist because of severe menstrual pains in my right side. I have always had pretty bad cramps and irregular cycles but this was different, it felt like someone was dragging a little spiky metal ball through my right fallopian tube. The Doctor was a complete ass with no tact but he informed me that I have polycystic ovary syndrome. (Through my own research I found that the diagnosis connected a lot of things that I've been dealing with for the past 20 years.) I tried to forget most of my visit but one thing has stuck with me... "You can either take birth control or likely get cancer because of your weight." These words made me realize that even with birth control I needed to make a major change.

Most of my work history since graduating High School has been in call centers and I hated it. I wasn't on the phones anymore but it was still stressful. The employees were miserable, the customers were miserable and the company didn't care about either of us. I was there for so long for the same reason as everyone else, I felt stuck. I was made to believe that I couldn't make as much other places and that my benefits wouldn't be as good. My depression was at an all time low but I stayed because I couldn't afford to leave... until my diagnosis, that's when it clicked. A little extra money is not worth compromising health. So after 11 years of working for "the red menace" I quit and took a lesser paying warehouse job. Even though the 12 hour days kick my ass sometimes I am so much happier (it helps having four days off per week), but last night my ovaries informed me that I still have some things that need to change.

Since the summer I haven't experienced the severe isolated pain during my cycle, just the normal bad cramps and back pain. Instead my ovaries have started hurting outside of my cycle. After spending most of last night wincing intermittently in pain I finally put the pieces together, the seemingly random pain was occurring during ovulation. After a few minutes of searching the Internet I found that the common causes are sugar and grains in your diet. I had recently tried cutting out sugar with no change but I hadn't tried cutting out all carbohydrates which brings us to my unintentional resolution.

I'm not one to make resolutions, I understand why people do it just hasn't been something that I partake in. But lately my ovaries seem to be in control thus it's time to go back to clean eating. I'm not promising that I'm going to cut out processed foods and carbohydrates entirely because that's unrealistic but I am definitely going to cut back on them immensely. I tend to feel better when I eat less carbs, I'm less sluggish and my digestive system is much happier. The last time I ate clean for two months I lost 30 pounds and that was without exercise, now my job is like getting three 12 hour workouts per week so I should yield quicker results. At any rate I just want the pain to be gone and the lifestyle change will help shed some pounds which was the original goal... fuck you cancer, you can't have my ovaries!

His name was Ralph Teetor.

Dear Ralph Teetor,

You passed the year before I was born but your invention has been a major relief to my life 34 years later. After working 12 hour shifts in a warehouse the heels of my feet hurt which makes it very painful to drive home after work. My cruise control helps tremendously and if it weren't for your annoying drives with your lawyer and the 1973 oil crisis my car may not have come with cruise control. So thank you! I'm glad that you were around when it finally started to be used by car manufacturers and that you received recognition for your accomplishments.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the strange)

Time is strange as an adult. As I look back it seems hard to believe that it's been almost four years since my mother-in-law died, it just doesn't feel like she's been gone that long. Then I reflect on events from just last year and they seem like more than a year has passed since then.

Someone in a podcast that I listen to said that time seems like it passes differently for adults because there are less momentous events, we measure time by big life changes or events that occur in our lives which don't occur as regularly as they did when we were young. I suppose with so many major changes happening in a short amount of time it can make things feel unbalanced and odd.

Perhaps I should backtrack a bit...

I am an only child and my parents had me when they were very young, because of this they seem more like older siblings than parents. My husband and I have been together since we were 18 and his mom was the first parental figure in my life, I loved her dearly and her death in 2013 left me very broken. It wasn't until last year that I started putting the pieces together to figure out what was really going on. I knew that I felt cheated because I only had her in my life for 11 years and I knew that I felt guilty about my grief but what I didn't know was that my depression was not new. I thought that her death caused my depression when in fact it amplified it. This was an extremely hard pill for me to swallow. When I first admitted this to myself, my husband and my friends I couldn't say it without tears. If asked to describe myself in 100 words "depressed" would have never made the list because I didn't understand truly what it meant to be depressed. Like many others, I assumed that depression meant sad and until Roxanne passed away I didn't feel sad. Looking back now I realize that I have struggled with depression my entire life.

Once I was able to talk about my depression without crying I realized that I wanted to manage things on my own without Doctors or medication. (I have never had thoughts of suicide or self harm, if I did I would seek professional help.) The first thing I started was writing in a journal any time I was upset which really helped give me time to focus on issues and sort them out. After a few months I realized that a major contribution to my depression was my work environment. I knew that I was unhappy and wanted out but I felt stuck, like I had no options. Then I found out that I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome which is likely the cause of my depression. Although the Doctor that delivered the news was not that helpful, the useful information I found through my own research. He did, however, do a great job of scaring me. He told me that because of my weight I could develop a growth on my uterus that would become cancerous. This made me realize that I needed to make changes which wouldn't be easy, my hormone imbalance caused my weight gain to begin with and make it harder for me to lose. (This explained so much!) So after 11 years at a soul sucking, miserable job for a major corporation that only cares about its share holders not its employees or customers... I quit.

I took a chance for my mental and physical health and I left for a lesser paying job. I went from working in an office to working in a warehouse. It has only been a month but my depression has dropped from severe to mild and I've lost almost 10 pounds. The job still kicks my ass almost every day but I work the same schedule as my husband so for the first time he is the person I see the most of each week and I realize that the minor financial difference is not worth my health. I'd like to think that Roxanne would be proud of me but honestly the tough woman that she was would probably think it was irresponsible to leave my safety net. This will give me more time to work on things that I love doing though and she was always supportive of my creativity. So yes, I guess she would have been proud.

"Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life."

For as long as I can remember I've been struggling to figure out an answer to the question "What do you want to do when you grow up?". As a kid I didn't care how I got there (acting, joining a band, dancing, writing) I just knew that I wanted to be famous and leave my mark on the world. I pictured myself accepting awards or answering interview questions for a magazine. I'd by lying if I said that life didn't sound appealing to me, paparazzi and all, but somewhere along the line I fell into the trap of 40 hour work weeks and health benefits. This just isn't what I pictured my life would be. I was supposed to grow up, get rich, and take care of my parents who struggled to raise me because they were just babies themselves when I was born. Instead I am living paycheck to paycheck and only doing slightly better than my parents did at my age. I tell myself that it's only temporary as though some day magically my situation will improve.

My mother-in-law had this kitschy sign in her bathroom with the quote "Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life". That sign has stuck with me since the first time I read it and for a while I didn't have the courage to realize that the life I have is not the life I am willing to settle for. I realize now that all we really have is time and it's what we do with that time that matters. I also realize that sometimes you need to make sacrifices and struggle for the things you really want. It's never too late to chase your dreams and it's time I start. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that I'm done settling. 

Goodbyes are never easy.

Dearest Roxanne,

I haven't allowed myself to mourn you because that would mean admitting that you're gone. My grief is so strong that if I had to feel the full impact of your death I don't think I could breathe. I already feel the tears welling up and a pit in my stomach as I write this. If I were as strong as you then maybe my sadness wouldn't be as crippling. You always found a reason to laugh even through the toughest of times. I strive to be like you, maybe one day I'll figure out how. 

It's just difficult to be grateful for the times we've shared when I feel cheated out of the times we could've had. I feel like a child screaming and crying that it isn't fair, but really it doesn't seem fair. You were only 56, you had so much more life to live. Don't get me wrong, you lived fully and made the best of every situation but 56 is such a young age. Everything seemed to happen so quickly it's scary.

In spite of everything, I am forever grateful that you didn't suffer. Knowing that you weren't in pain and were unafraid is one of the only things that has kept me from falling apart completely. Overall I am handling things better but it's not easy. So many things remind me of you, many times I find something that you would love and want to share it with you but then I remember that you're gone. Maybe one day they will bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes. 

Although it was cut short, I am glad that you were a part of my life. I have nothing but fond memories from the first time Brandon brought me home to meet you until the very end. The positivity and strength you had are inspiring. I can see a difference in the way I handle tough situations because of you. I will hold you close to my heart and remember you always. 

With love, 

Mandy

Thirty One

It seems like so long ago since I was a teenager but I don't feel my age. It's strange but I've always felt this way. In third grade I remember seeing the fourth grade class and thinking how much older they looked. I just couldn't wait until fourth grade so I could be big like them but when it came I didn't feel any different. I'm sure looking at pictures now I may be able to see a difference but I didn't see it then. Still, after all these years I get the same feeling. There are times when I still don't feel grown up. Maybe I just don't know what being grown up is supposed to feel like.

I have no reason not to feel grown up. I moved out of my parents house at 19 and I've always held a full time job. I'm married and a homeowner. My only guess is that I don't care for things that most other adults do. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I don't like sports and I don't have any interest in being a parent. I also prefer to be around my husband more than any one else in the world and don't feel the need for a "girl's night". In fact those two words are almost guaranteed to make me decline an invitation.

My lack of interest in the things that society has led me to believe adults are to do has left me feeling alone, especially in my family. I already feel alone being an only child in a large family. Add in the fact that most of my family are huge sports enthusiasts and at this age it's hard to find friends that aren't starting families.

I wouldn't change anything though. As cheesy as it sounds I married my best friend. I know that's an overused statement but that doesn't make it less true. We would rather be together than apart, even if we're doing different things in the same room. That's not to say that we're around each other constantly of course. We just have enough in common that one of us isn't miserable if the other wants to do something. For example, you always see on TV sitcoms where the husband likes sports but the woman wants to do something like go to a ballet. It's always a sacrifice for the guy to do what the woman wants. Well that isn't us, we have mostly the same interests.

I suppose the source of my problem may be the way marriages and adulthood are portrayed on TV and in movies. I am not a typical adult and I don't have a typical marriage. So maybe being a grown up is overrated. I'll stick to going to movies and concerts, roller skating, playing drums, playing video games, painting and snuggling with my husband and cats!

Embarrassed by my fellow Americans.

It's only February and it has already been an incredibly hateful year. More and more I am embarrassed to be an American. This country only stands for freedom if you are straight, white and don't have a foreign accent.

From the unnecessary outrage of the Coca Cola commercial that was sung in multiple languages to Kansas trying to segregate homosexuals, it's no damn wonder we are hated! I am tired of under educated ignorant fucks and their need to bring everyone around them down. Yes, English may be the national language currently but it was brought here through immigration. This is supposed to be a place of opportunity where we come together to embrace freedom. Instead it's a game of finders keepers and everyone else stay the fuck out.

There is nothing wrong with people that are a different color, speak a different language or are attracted to the same sex. They didn't choose any of these things! With how much grief they take for being who they are do you honestly think they would've chosen this for themselves? No one wants to be harassed for things out of their control. Grow up and mind your own business! Just because you are unhappy in your life doesn't mean you need to bring down others.